Go Ask Quinn
by watchingmewatchingu
Summary: Quinn Fabray transfers to McKinley High. To deal with the transission and her new life, she keeps a diary, on everything and nothing, but especially her obsession with a certain Rachel Berry *s1 s2 spoilers*
1. Chapter 1

**October 4****th**** 7:40am**

Dear diary, first day at the new school today. I'm so nervous I'm about to fall over. But that won't stop me from doing my best, because I know I'll be rewarded.  
Here I go, off I go.  
I'm going.  
I'm gone.  
Fuck.

* * *

**October 4****th**** 3:50pm**

So, today sucked. During my first class I had to stand in front of all those unfamiliar faces and introduce myself, in the most inhumane way; '_hello, my name is Quinn Fabray'_ so lame. Let's just say I didn't get any ones attention with that opening line. People were staring, it felt as if they were looking right through me, judging me, they'd already made up their minds.

I excused myself and headed for the bathroom. Hadn't planned on showing my face until the day was over, but my tummy was grumbling and making all sorts of weird and unwanted noises, so I decided to go to lunch.

Oh, I almost forgot, when I was doing the introduction of lil boring ol me, I'd noticed this one girl, in the front row, who never took her eyes off of me. She was reading my lips closely, with every word I spoke. She had beautiful long brown hair and the same color eyes. Even though she, along with the others, had definitely been staring, hers had been a soft one.  
She seemed nice, enough.  
My mission was to ask around and if I was lucky enough, I'd be pointed in the right direction. Unfortunately that did not pan out too well.

Instead I found myself sitting alone, at the corner table in the cafeteria. Eyes glaring, laughing, pointing.

The horror, oh the pressure.  
_'You're the new girl, right?'_ when I turned around, I was standing face to face with a tall, fairly pretty blonde girl. She continued to speak as I sat there in silence. _'I was also new once, it was my first day. I got lost, I think the map I had been given was broken or something.'_ I covered my mouth to stop me from laughing.  
She later introduced herself as Brittany.

She's picking me up tomorrow.

Parentals are home, but basically, I survived day one, with minor scratches. Hopefully no permanent scars and hey, I made a friend.  
I think.

* * *

**October 6****th**** 7am**

Her name is Rachel Barbra Berry, yes, Barbra as in Barbra Streisand. Apparently she's kinda obsessed, don't ask :P

I saw her briefly in the hallway yesterday. I was walking with Britt and Santana _(she's head of the Cheerios and yes I am trying out for the squad)_ arms linked, like true bff's, when suddenly this semi hot guy sporting a mohawk, _(which usually is super tacky and a major turnoff, but somehow, he makes __it look good)_ throws a slushie in her face.  
They all laughed. I didn't. Because it wasn't funny. Santana pulled on me when I looked back at Rachel. She had the face of the saddest girl in the world, all covered in grape slushie.

All through bio I kept thinking about the slushie hitting her face and I just couldn't understand the joy the others felt. The rush of humiliation bounced off of Rachel and on to me. I was embarrassed of what my friends did to her. Those juvenile behaviours had since long suppressed my memories and I had grown out of such childlike ways.

_'I don't get it.'_ were the first words I heard Brittany utter that day. I asked her what she was confused about, thinking it had something to do with mitosis. I see her pointing to a picture of Angelina Jolie; _'That! I don't get how so many babies came out of, that. She's so tiny. Not dwarf tiny, like Rachel Berry, but she __is__ tiny.'_ you can't do nothing but love her :)  
Ugh!  
Time for school, waaah!  
I really don't wanna.

* * *

**October 6****th**** 6pm**

Nothing to report. Bored. Food, homework, bed.  
Fml.

* * *

**October 7****th**** 7:20am**

Wanna talk to Rachel today.  
Have to talk to Rachel today.  
Must talk to Rachel today.  
Will talk to Rachel today.

* * *

**October 7****th**** 7:50pm**

Talked to Rachel today.

Kinda high maintenance. Actually, really high maintenance.  
When I saw her in the hallway, stuffing her locker with lots of brightly colored fluffy notebooks, I decided I had to talk to her. _'Rachel, right?'_ she looked at me like I was possessed by the devil, frowned and walked off.  
Which I have to admit, was confusing.

Started asking people about her, what she was like and such. Most of them only had one thing to say; _'Rachel who?'_ frustrating indeed. But at least I talked to her.

Next step is to get her to say something back.

Vampire Diaries, then bed.

* * *

**October 8****th**** 3pm**

TGIF! And also... I MADE THE SQUAD!  
Cheerios (L) and I'm not talking about the breakfast cereal, this is so much yummier.  
Sue Sylvester is... one of a kind. I think she's tough, but fair.

Finn asked me on a date for tomorrow. Haven't decided on it yet. He's kinda cute, in that dorky kind of way.

He's nice and he's on the football team.  
Santana said that jocks rate high on what you need in a boyfriend.  
Didn't see Rachel today. Britt, San and I are going to the movies tonight.  
Blood guts horror and ultimate gore at it's best.  
Should be good fun.

* * *

**October 9****th**** 11:10am****  
**  
So, we went to see some zombie slasher flick, totally sweet. By the end of it, Britt was so scared she was practically on Santana's lap, tugging at her shirt, hugging her like there was no tomorrow.

Come to think of it, I'm not sure if it was actually due to the movie, maybe that's just the way they are. Sneaking glances, linking pinkies, when they think nobody's looking.  
Cute.

After the movie we went to Starbucks, figured if anything that would set us straight.  
And after two caramel frappuccinos I really had to pee, I excused myself and made a dash for the ladies room.  
To my surprise, Rachel was there. Didn't quite know what to to say to her, since she had ignored me the first time.  
_'Hi, Quinn'_ she said as she stood there washing her hands. I got so caught up in the moment, that I didn't have a response. A smile and a nod would simply have to do it, I thought and it did, cause a wicked grin appeared on her face before she left.  
I waited a little while longer, in fear of her still being out there, even though I knew for a fact that she wouldn't exactly be chatting up a storm with Brittana (that's what we call Brittany and Santana)

Just to be sure I peaked my head out through the door. No sight of her, all I could see was a really sweet kiss between two Cheerios and; _'you taste like bubblegum, sweet, delicious, watermelon, gum.'  
_They're so gay and I love it.  
K, gonna go get ready. Date with Finn soon.

Met him on our way home last night, simply had to say yes.

* * *

**October 9th 10:20pm  
**

Wow. Just, wow. Finn and I spent the entire day together. Oh it was lovely.  
First: Ben and Jerry's ice cream parlor, cherry garcia you ate my heart, therefore I love thee.  
Second: An Anne Leibovitz photo exhibition. Yes I'm head over heels in love with the fact that he took interest in me and what I hold dear.  
Third: A walk in the park. I know, it sounds lame, but it was everything but lame. Gave me a chance to get to know him. We chatted up quite an appetite as well.  
Fourth: Vegetarian pizza, yum.  
Fifth: A spontaneous photo session, after him spotting the camera in my bag.  
It was fun, we had fun, at least I think we did.

When I told him I had to go home, because my mom was hosting some fancy benefit dinner, (which by the way was such a lie) he insisted on walking me to the door, even though we were only a couple of blocks away from my house.  
That was sweet, but at this point he was just trying to score points and to be honest, i wasn't really keeping track.  
Exhausted, going to bed.


	2. Chapter 2

**October 11th 5:30am**

Yeah, please disregard the time.  
Guess who called me yesterday?  
You'd think it would be Finn, but it wasn't.  
It was Rachel.  
Rachel Berry called me. Sure she just had a question about the math test on Wednesday, but still, that's gotta count for something, right?  
She also told me that she signed up for 'Glee Club' and wanted me to join, what the hell is a 'Glee Club'?  
Guess I will find out today.  
Going back to bed for an hour-ish.

* * *

**October 11****th**** 8pm**

We got out early today, I decided to stay after school though. Never too early to earn some extra credit.  
Oh, right, before I forget, the definition of a Glee Club; _a chorus organized for singing usually short pieces_.  
Why on earth she wanted me to join, is beyond my knowledge, she doesn't even know if I can sing, also, what if I have no rhythm?  
Wait, who am I kidding, I'm a Cheerio, of course I have rhythm.  
Anyway.  
I went to check it out, the auditorium was empty and my steps echoed as i made my way down to the stage.  
The sound of shuffling through papers could be heard, then there she was. Rachel Berry. Sheet music in hand.  
She closed in on the piano and I hid right by the side of the stage.  
She began to play and I became so mesmerized, then she opened her mouth and began to sing.  
I wanted to cry, my eyes literally couldn't hold back the tears. I just sat there sniffling.  
Her voice was just so... enchanting.

* * *

**October 11****th**** 11pm**

I called her, I just had to hear her voice.  
Who knew something so big and powerful, could come out of something so tiny and fragile looking.  
Of course she answered the phone, only then did I realize the time. She said it was okay, that it didn't matter, that she'd rather be talking to me, than be in bed cuddled up to her insomnia.  
I could hear music playing softly in the background and to her surprise, I awkwardly started to sing along. _'You know this song?'_ she asked. I remember giggling. My taste in music did indeed vary, but Broken Social Scene were definitely on my list. _'Of course!'_ I explained. _'Anthems For A Seventeen Year Old Girl.'_ Even though I couldn't see it, I knew she was smiling at this, I could hear her.  
_'Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.'_ My favorite lyric line and I let her know it too, because I had analyzed the hell out of it.

_'Do you want to come over?'_ I just, blurted it out, like word vomit. It wasn't my intention. So believe me when I say that I was rather stunned when her reply was; _'Now?'_ I wanted nothing more than to say; yes! _now_. I wanted to scream it for everyone to hear. Instead of choking on my words, I swallowed them back down. like the coward I seemed to have turned into. _'I meant, tomorrow.'_

But she had Glee and asked me to come with, I formally accepted_._

* * *

**October 12****th**** 7am**

I'm excited for today, so dear Tuesday, please don't disappoint.

* * *

**October 12****th**** 8pm**_  
_

O.M.G!  
I'm still trying to process everything.  
But for now?  
O.M.G!

* * *

**October 12th 2am**

K, so today was such an epic day. Let's call it: awesomeness on a higher level.  
First of all, I turned in my Spanish paper on 'Day of the Dead' creepy, I know, but there were skulls involved, so I wasn't going to pass on that, besides, it made Mr Schue really happy.  
Probably because it's not due for another two weeks.  
I figured, what the hell, ya know. It's a C+, estoy seguro de que!

Second, Finn brought me flowers. He probably thinks we're going out now, we're not. It's all in his head. Boys.  
I should take him to Breadstix and break it down for him, because I can't have him following me like a little puppy _'love me, love me, love me'_ when I'm, clearly, into someone else.

Third, Glee Club.  
One word: AMAZING.

They didn't have a special assignment or anything, so they simply sang short bits of songs at the top of their head.

Rachel: I Will Be – Leona Lewis  
Mercedes: No One – Alicia Keys  
Tina: Waking Up In Vegas – Katy Perry  
Mike and Artie: Nothing On You – B.O.B feat Bruno Mars  
Kurt: Hey Jude – The Beatles

They were all very good, though I couldn't take my eyes off of Rachel. When she sang, she did so with passion and adoration, her entire body was aware and she was so dedicated to the song.

Her eyes were closed, yet I could feel her staring at me, at my soul.

When Kurt sang the first words to 'Hey Jude' the others were quick to join in. Rachel motioned for me to do so as well, but I shook my head 'no' in hopes that it would end there. It didn't. She took my hand in hers and leaned in close enough to whisper; _'if you do this for me, I'll do whatever you want.'_

It did intrigue me. What was the harm in singing and dancing? There was no harm.  
She put her arm around me and it felt like a reward, for me singing along.

After Glee, Rachel came back home with me. All along the way I was complimenting her on her voice, just to keep the conversation afloat. I was afraid that if it came to a screeching halt, she would realize that we probably had nothing in common and maybe she wouldn't like me anymore. I wasn't even sure if she did like me at this point.  
She would smile at times, guess there is such a thing as over flattering a person, because she wasn't saying anything back.

_'Hi honey, your dad and I are going out. Dinner's in the microwave, love you.'_ She didn't even acknowledge Rachel, my mother hardly ever, if even at all, noticed me either, so this didn't surprise me.

I hadn't known her for more than a week, now to me a week wasn't necessarily that long, but things had become intense in such a short time and I didn't even know who I was without her. All I knew was that I should. My life had just gotten so much more meaning and it was like daring somebody to stand where I stood. _'So'_ she finally said as we sat at the table, opposite each other, in my mother's luxury kitchen.

_'Are you hungry?'_ I wasn't really, but thought it'd be polite to ask.  
She shook her head, grabbed my hand and squeezed it tightly as she gave herself the grand tour, for I was too dumbfounded to even utter a comprehensible sentence.

I had an idea of what she was looking for anyway.  
The door to my room creaked when she pushed it open. I tried to look for a familiar expression of some sort, nothing. She had by now let go of my hand, as she'd gone straight for my music collection. Most of my music is in my iTunes library, but since iTunes on occasion happens to suck beyond the telling of it, I couldn't always be bothered. That's why most of my favorite CD's were still (in alphabetical order) on a shelf above my bed.

Rachel dragged her finger across them as she said the titles in the sound of warm whispers. _'No show tunes?'_ she turned around and smiled at me when she said this, I chuckled.  
I watched her continuously explore the artists and I wondered what was going through her mind. _'Why do __you hide behind that cheerleading outfit? What are you afraid of?'_

Joining the squad had been to boost my self esteem, at first, but now, cheerleading was to me, as the gym was to beef sticks. _'I-I don't hide, I wear it with pride.'_ I managed to stutter. _'On the contrary, you wear it with fear. It's okay. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to.'_ By this point all I could think about doing was to push her and her pin her down, as she was already in by bed, on her knees.


	3. Chapter 3

**October 13th 1pm**

Just woke up and also, no I didn't go to school. Had like seven missed calls and four texts. Well, actually two were from Brittany, correcting all her typos in the previous one. San most likely helped her. The third one was from Rach, asking if I was still coming over and obviously there was no way that I wasn't.  
The last text, from unkown; _'You're sexy as fuck.'_  
Didn't quite know what to make of it. Sure, I'd been called a few things over the years and 'sexy as fuck' was indeed among those things. Who was it from though?  
I forwarded it to Brittany, who replied within seconds; _'It's Puck, whatever you do, don't tell Santana about this. Even though she gives me sweet lady kisses, she sleeps with him too. I'm just something warm she wants underneath her, so she can digest her food, when he's unavailable. PS: let's hang soon. PPS: also know that I don't like you in that way.  
PPPS: I will make out with you if you want, but, I'm totally gay for San.'_  
That was a lot of information to take in and so many dirty images to rid and not enough time.

I have nothing to do, sleep is no longer an option, it bores me to tears.  
"Breakfast" sounds nice right about now. Pop tarts, SunnyD and Ellen, yes please.

* * *

**October 13****th**** 6pm**

Stupid power naps. They never work. I closed my eyes for a split second, next thing I know... hello 6pm. I have a date with Rachel at 8:30. Wait, scratch that, cause it's not a date. It's a. Just like a. Fuck! I don't know what it is. What is it? What are we? Shit! Should text Puckerman back.

* * *

**October 14****th**** 8am**

Her room, so girly. Pretty, nonetheless.  
Can't believe it's actually sound proofed. That must come in handy for her... singing and, stuff. Her dad's are really cool, they even asked if I wanted to spend the night. Rachel pretended to roll her eyes annoyed. I'd like to think that she was behind the whole reason for them asking.

So here's the thing. I did. Stay over, I mean. Figured I'd be sleeping on the couch, that wasn't the case. When I started yawning at around midnight, Rachel got up (from having laid on the floor the entire time we'd been watching 'Funny Girl')  
She began to raid her closet and came back with a matching tank top and shorts which she bluntly threw at me. _'You won't last another minute. Shall we?' _she said and pointed to the bed. _'Just, don't hog the covers, k? Also, I'd like to know if you're planning on going to school in the morning. If not, then feel free to sleep for as long as you'd like. But if you are? Then know I'm an early bird and I'd love to have breakfast, with you.' _sure I was exhausted, even though I had slept all day, but she made my heart skip a beat, or two. _'I'm going.'_ I said. _'And I'd like that very much, to have breakfast, with you.'_

We crawled into bed together.  
Shortly thereafter, the lamp on her nightstand was turned off. I could hear her breathing and it made me wondered if mine was as heavy as hers. _'Rachel?' _I could just about make out the outline of her face. She had her back against me, but turned around as she heard her name, I automatically filled the gap between us. Underneath the covers, my hand brushed up against her thigh. She shivered and pulled me closer.  
Her hand found mine in the dark. _'Kiss me.'_ she said.

She was so incredibly soft, her smell was intoxicating and she tasted like strawberries. Sweet delicious strawberries and her moans, oh my god, her moans! Never had I heard such an incredible sound, humming in my ear.  
I couldn't believe my luck.  
That's when I realized, it was all just a dream.

Imagine having to wake up from that, what a disappointment. So I left. It was 4am and I just up and left. Why am I such a coward, wish I could be less obvious, but it's hard to hide your feelings when you want something as bad as I do.  
Texted her once I got home; _'Hey, first of all, thank you! Second, I'm sorry, something came up. See you at school.'_ Couldn't think of anything else to say. Besides, it wasn't really that big of a deal.  
Off to class, to find out what my damage is.  
Baaai.

* * *

**October 15****th**** 3pm**

Friday, fuck yeah!  
Why are girls so, blah?  
Spent the majority of the day looking for the little singer, but she was of course nowhere to be found. I'm beginning to think she's avoiding me. For what though? For sneaking out and leaving her in the middle of the night, due to an insanely stupid dream, that will never happen in real life? Or for doing exactly everything she'd ever asked me to, because I'm totally and utterly, head over heels in love with her? There's no real reason for her to be mad at me.  
This was Rachel in a nutshell though, drama queen.

Ran into Puck earlier, he's having a party tonight and wants me to come. If it'll get my mind off of... her, then I'm pretty much down for anything.  
Not sure if Santana and Brittany are going, that would be awkward.  
Speaking of the unbreakable duo, off to see my lovlies now.

* * *

**October 19****th**** -**

Friday night was shitty. Puck's party? Not a party. Just him, me and Mike...'s hard lemonade plus too many wine coolers.  
I guess I got a bit tipsy, because we ended up having sex.  
Fuck.  
_'Trust me.'_ I must have been very trusting considering what I did. Nobody knows and nobody will ever find out. They can't.  
Technically I'm supposed to be Finn's girl, that's how he sees it.

Why did I have to be so stupid.

I was so devastated, spent the whole day crying my already bloodshot eyes out. Britt called to hang out, so I went over. I love that her room is so, normal, whatever normal is. It's just, not, very Brittany like.  
Not over the top girly, just the right amount of pink. Since pink is considered feminine, but so is Kurt.  
I like Kurt, he's good to me. I wish all guys could be like him.

Anyway.  
She was working on a new routine. Sue was really working us to the bone. Watching Brittany perform those semi pornographic moves, was pretty much, orgasmic. Seriously, girl's gor mad skills!

I laid sprawled across her bed. _'How do you do it?'_ taking a momentarily break, she looked up at me. _'Do what?'_ when I was little, I knew exactly what I wanted to be and I always worked so hard, trying to reach my goal.  
Ballerina.  
That was is, that was all.  
_'How do you do it all? School, practise, everything.'_ she joined me on the bed. _'I don't. I can't be good at everything, so I chose just the one. Dance. I'm good at that. So I don't have to do it, I am it.'_  
Brittany may not be the brightest crayon in the box, but she is definitely one of my favorites. _'What are you good at?'_ she stared me right square in the eye. _'I-don't-I'm not-don't know.'_ and it was the truth.  
Even though at 5 I had wanted to be that prima ballerina, I changed my mind like I changed underwear.  
The dream was always there, lurking in the background, until my 14th birthday, to this day my mother insists that is when she lost me. '_We're all good at something and just because you don't know what your gift is, doesn't mean that there's nothing you're good at.'_  
Her coy smile assured me, that everything was peachy with a side of keen, even though my self esteem was nowhere to be found.

_'Can we just lay here?'_ she stroked my hair and held me. I pressed myself against her chest. Both dressed in Cheerios uniforms, we fell asleep.  
I awoke hours alter. Again, stupid power naps. Legs and arms were all tangled together. Brittany was sound asleep and breathing down my neck. I shook her slightly. _'Hey, I've gotta go.'_ She moaned something incomprehensible, so I just left.

I felt so bad about the whole Puck situation. I had to tell someone, but who?


	4. Chapter 4

**October 21th -**

Lazy day and I intend to keep it that way. I shall slack like I've never slacked before.

* * *

**October 22****rd**** -**

I want to sink through the ground, I don't want to exist anymore.  
I hate Rachel.  
Finn is my boyfriend.  
I slept with Puck and I think Santana knows.  
Everyone is pretty much ignoring me.  
Took a test, waiting for the results. Please don't let it be anything colorful. I'm down on my knees, oh god please don't, i can't.  
I just can't.

* * *

**October ?**

Stupid good for nothing unholy little plus sign, I loathe thee.  
How did this even happen? Daddy's little girl, president of the celibacy club. Good girl gone bad, indeed. What am I supposed to do?  
I tried so hard with Rachel and now she's going after Finn? Why is my life equal to a trainwreck. Sure, I'm obviously the pressed lemon in all of this, but what about her? She unpressed me, did she not? So what gives her the right to go after what's rightfully mine?

Maybe I'm not green jello over the fact that she's into him, maybe it's because of the simple fact that it actually could happen and then I'd be the one pushed to the side and soon forgotten about.  
I know who I'm going to tell now and hopefully it will change things, hopefully it will make a difference.

* * *

**October ?**

My day in a nutshell.  
_  
Me: I have to tell you something._

_Rachel: Whatever it is, it can't be any worse than all those obscene images of me in the bathroom._

_Me: That was me, actually._

_Rachel: Oh?_

_Me: Yeah, about that, I'm really sorry._

_Rachel: It's okay. Now what was so important?_

_Me: I'm..._

_Rachel: You're what? Pregnant? _-insert sarcastic laughter here- _Wait, oh my god you are, you're pregnant! Who's the father?_

_Me: If I tell you it's not my boyfriend, promise not to judge?_

_Rachel: Q, do I even? K, let me rephrase that, I only do so when necessary. If it's not Finn, may I ask who then?_

This is when I bursted into tears and it's also when she comforts me.

_Rachel: It's okay. oh. Please don't cry. You're okay. It's going to be okay. I've got you.'_

Perhaps we didn't have to be best friends, it was a relief, to know that she was there for me, no matter what, she had me. It gave me those butterflies in my stomach. 


	5. Chapter 5

**October ?  
**

Why does love have to hurt so bad? Is it possible to love two people at the same time? I believe that it's a possibility, but the love is never the same. The amount of love is never the same.  
I love him, he is my boyfriend. But I also love her. Someone he's beginning to show interest in. I can't even begin to explain how I feel about that.

Finn loved me, I obviously let him down and ended up not being good enough for him. I once swore to myself that I would never fall recklessly, headlessly in love with anyone, I've failed, miserably.  
Re-write my history, that is my only wish, nothing more and nothing less. I'm starting to miss those wine coolers, I know I'm about to feel fat and this time it won't be for a day.  
This was my life, to do what I wanted and I chosen this, therefore I'm stupid. Because if this was my choice, how could I not be? This whole thing is so fucking stupid.  
What am I to do?  
For starters I'm going to need tons of help, considering my parents will most likely disown me.

Oh life, why must you suck so bad.  
It's funny how it has it's moments and it's funny how it has it's twists and turns.  
There are times when I don't even bother getting out of bed, that's when she calls and asks to come over.  
She swears it's to bring me homework, but the lack of books is a dead giveaway. I appreciate it more than she will ever know.

She arrives at the crack of dawn, before school, leaves when she knows I'm asleep and comes back during lunch, to spend some quality time. Abandons me once again, only to resurface at sundown. By then I always seem to have drifted off, but I always feel the bed shift under me as she quietly tries to crawl in without waking me.  
Her warm hands make their way under my shirt, the sensation sends shivers down my spine. She kisses the back of my neck and whispers sweet nothings in my ear.  
Her fingers makes circles around my belly button and comes to an abrupt stop after a while.

We lay like this for the longest time. It seems so natural, like it's something we've always done, like it was something we were meant to do, because we make so much sense together. Rachel and me.  
It was kind of like puppy love, you know, where you're constantly walk around in a daze and spend most of your life in a dreamlike existence, with unlimited playtime.

When it comes crashing down and the pieces to your whole reason for being can be seen floating off somewhere in the distance, is when you realize how much real life sucks and all you want to do is go back to the world you've created inside your head. At least there it's safe to play.

I miss my childhood. It's been a long time since 5, so why am I longing to go back?  
Back to the sensation of falling down, down, down the rabbit hole. To ponder life's unanswered questions as you plunge to your possible death.  
K, this is starting to get a little bit too morbid, even for me and this coming from a girl who's slightly, borderline obsessed with cemeteries and skulls.

* * *

**Halloween**

It comes and goes too quickly. It is the holiday I look forward to the most, it is also the holiday that is always gone before it's even begun.  
Such an elusive, guileful, meaningless sham, it's one day out of 365, when girls are able to release their inner slut, without limitations and guys will forever continue to chase after them, whether they're dressed as sluts, or just happen to be the real deal.  
Either way it's a win - win situation for them, always.

Kurt threw a party and we were all invited.  
At the very last minute, I decided to dress up as Alice In Wonderland. Guess it somehow describes how I feel... utterly confused, forever falling down the rabbit hole.

He was such a great host. Considering the state I was in, or had put myself in. He noticed my absence and would therefore semi ignore the others, to adore me. Made me feel wanted and needed, but most importantly loved.  
I simply could not join in, while the others were laughing, drinking, dancing and singing their little hearts out, there was too much on my mind, I wandered around the house in search of a quiet spot. I needed to clear my cluttered head of all the stress and un-necessary drama.

And she finds me, she always finds me.

_'There you are, I've been looking all over for you.'_ She was more then tipsy. _'I was actually, gonna go home, do you need a ride?' _as unsteady on her feet as she was, Rachel finally made her way over to me. Her arms around my waist, with her body so close to mine, I felt so incredibly safe. _'I can't go home, not like this.'_ I knew what she wanted, this was my chance, either I would step up, or I'd chicken out, well, guess what?  
_'I don't have to take you home, you could spend the night with me, I mean, at my house, if you want that is?'_ Her tongue darted out slightly, to wet her lips. _'Yea, alright, sure.'_ Though the smile on her face said more than that.

* * *

**November 1st**

'Always' by Blink 182, good song, it also pretty much sums up my night.  
Never in a million years did I think I would sleep with her.  
_Come on let me hold you, touch you, feel you, always. Kiss you, taste you, all night, always._  
Now she's gonna think I did it because she was an easy target, come to think about it, I acted like a total guy. I saw an opportunity, I went for it. Want, take, have and I got what I wanted. Of course she means so much more to me. She's been on my mind since the day I first laid eyes on her. That shampoo commercial worthy hair, odd style and loud personality. Rachel Berry was my obsession, my crush and this had been like a dream, only better, it happened, therefore it was real this time.

_'Are you going to keep the baby?'_ I had not even thought about it. _'I don't know. I have to tell...'_ I couldn't even say his name, too painful.  
Should I just keep up the lie, even when the baby comes out sporting a mohawk? All I could do for now, was change the subject. '_I don't ever want to get out of bed, can we just lay like this forever?'_ I snuggled up to her.

If I kept the baby, I'd be all alone, but keeping it was also my only choice, I didn't have the heart to do anything but keep it and I was positive that this was the right decision. _'If you are, will you let me be there, throughout it all?'_ funny girl that Rachel. _'After I tell the baby's father...'_ she interrupted me with; _who is Puck, not Finn._  
Besides being pregnant, that was my deepest and darkest secret, how could she possibly have known? Did Puck know? I was in deep shit and I didn't quite know how to get myself out of it, Rachel noticed that little worry wrinkle on my forehead and automatically tried to make it go away by pressing her thumb to it. _'You're way too pretty for premature wrinkles, so please smile.'_ dead beat. _'It's okay Quinn. I've seen the way you look at me, I mean something to you, don't I?'_ If she only knew. _'Well guess what, you mean something to me too. I just can't get you off my mind. The only reason I haven't told you this earlier, is because I didn't think you were into girls.'_ and here I was thinking I had been nothing but obvious this whole time. _'Believe me, I very much am.'_ Rachel grinned widely.

It was then, in the midst of my own existence, that I knew. That's when I finally felt everything I've witnessed but never thought I'd have for myself. I loved this girl more than I had ever loved anyone before. Cheesy? Perhaps. But I knew that our love for each other, was no ordinary love, it was extraordinary. It was real, rare and... reliable. I'd honestly give my life for hers. _'Prove it.'_ the words floated out of her like a mild breeze on a hot summers day. _'Go on then, show me you're into girls, show me how much you like me.' S_he started to unbutton her green over sized cardigan. _'Rachel.'_ I pleaded, but she wasn't hearing it. It flew off along with her top and skirt. _'Not like this.'_ I put my hand on hers. It was what I wanted, but not like this.

She started to gather her clothes. _'If not like this, then I should go.'_ It was now or never. So I grabbed her, pulled her down on top of me and kissed her, just to get her to shut up. _'Wow. Who knew you had it in you?'_ she said before she crushed her lips against mine and I kissed her back, more aggressively this time.

_'Quinn? I have to throw up?'_ she said, but it came out more like a question, rather than a statement.

In one quick motion, she literally jumped out of bed and raced to the bathroom.  
I followed shortly, got on my knees, to hold her hair. _'Don't look and don't laugh either Fabray!'_ I covered my mouth as I felt an uncotrollable laugh attack sneak up on me. _'I'm not and I won't.' _


	6. Chapter 6

Later that night, when I had gotten her all cleaned up and tucked back into bed, I got to thinking about everything and nothing. How had I gotten this far? How was she still here? How was all of a sudden my life, okay?

When I kissed her, I knew it was right. Her hands on my back, my neck and up along my cheeks. I opened my eyes to stare into hers, they were closed, she was so lost in the moment. With both of her palms pressed against my chest, Rachel pushed me onto my back as she straddled me. "You my dear, are wearing far too much clothing." She started to undress me and for a split second, I hesitated.  
I wasn't far gone, but in my head I knew that my body was changing and soon I'd look like a stranded whale, when that happened, I wold have to say goodbye to my entire wardrobe.  
She noticed my awkward retardness, which I call my 'Kristen Stewart' only when she did it, it was acceptable and considered adorable for some reason.

"Don't you want this?" To this I nodded, because of course it was what I wanted. "Don't be so nervous, it's just me." And it was mainly because of that reason, it was Rachel. No matter how easy and natural it felt, I would forever be nervous. I was so close to be getting something I'd been wishing for.  
That doesn't happen very often.

Had it been anyone but Rachel, I still would've been nervous, but I probably wouldn't have cared as much. "Quinn, are you okay?" I didn't even know how to answer that, probably because I didn't know if I was.

"Rach, when you were a little girl, what did you want to be?" Her face lit up like lights on a Christmas tree, she didn't have to think hard about that one. "A star. My dads raised me the best way they knew how to, they raised me to pursue my every dream. Ambition was forever relevant and it still is. Without ambition and without goals, how do you know where you're going?" I hardly knew who I was even before my transfer, that was still partially true, only now I didn't know where I was from either.  
Who had I become?

She rested her head on my shoulders. "Is it too early for you? To know what you want out of life, I mean?" She got me, she really did and I loved her for it.  
Only thing was, I didn't know how to show her. "I don't-I don't know what I'm doing, to be honest, this is all very new to me." Rachel looked clueless which only made the whole situation worse.  
"What do you want? Tell me." It was simple; You. I want you. "Okay then, I'm right here, what's the problem?" The problem? The only sex I'd had was with Puck and now I was pregnant. Also if that was what actual sex was like, I'd much rather go without. But I had this feeling and it was telling me that, unwanted angry drunk sex with Puck could never compare to anything Rachel had to offer.

"There is no problem, I'm just, well you know..." If only she could have felt my heart racing, she would understand how scared I was.  
"I've been there, but then you came along and clearly I knew, there was no other option than to be with you." I cuddled up to her, she stroked my hair and just, held me, I'd missed that.

Oh, Finn knows and now somehow thinks that Rachel and him are an item. The saying; Boys are stupid, let's throw rocks at them, makes so much more sense now.  
Whenever I ask Rachel about it, she scoffs and brushes it off as if it were nothing. But it immediately becomes something when she doesn't deny it. I'm sick of being  
lied to, which is kind of ironic seeing how I'm the biggest liar of them all.

* * *

**December ?**

Can't believe it's December already, where has time gone?  
We have a long winter ahead of us and the thought of being stuck in Lima is just as bone chilling as the weather.  
I've been trying to keep my grades up by attending most of my classes. I've even been turning in some extra credit.  
I know I'm in a shit load of trouble and I'm actually looking at being expelled, which I for one, think is the most hypocritical thing to do.  
Because, if a student is willing to learn and just happens to fall off the track, why should she be punished instead of helped.  
I honestly don't get it. Even so, I don't care anymore.  
They could kick me out for all I care, I'd be alright.

* * *

**December 19th -**

I hate Christmas.  
I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.  
Actually I love it.  
It's like '_Lost_' I hated it because 98% of the time it didn't make any sense and you would end up with a 'wtf' expression on your face, after every episode. But I also loved it, because of the remaining 2% I sometimes did understand, would make up for all the question marks and shitty ending, which I by the way am still curious about.

Rachel is coming over to help me pack.  
Right, I forgot to mention that my parents found out and basically in what they thought was a polite way, asked me to '_pack my shit and get the hell out._' So I'm staying with Rachel for a week, then we'll see.  
Britt said I could stay with her as well, that she had some clothes for the baby, she's convinced it's a doll. I can't even, no, there's no use. Explaining it to her, would only add more confusion.

I've told Britt that she's not going to come out like a Barbie doll complete with accessories and all. She will be this little... thing, this red, tiny little blob of clay. Which I have to mould, because she will not come with anything. I created her, she is mine and from the day she's born, it will be my job to raise her with respect for herself and others, dignity and love. I just want her to be happy.  
But then again, happiness is an endless pursuit.

* * *

**December 20th 11pm**

All settled in with the love of my life, I can call her that, because it's true. Feels good not having to sleep alone anymore, I mean, I'm never going to wake up alone.  
Speaking of alone, I'm not anymore.  
Going to bed, with Rachel, just try and top that.

* * *

**December 21st 10am**

Slept so incredibly good and it's easy to figure out why.

It was all smiles and giggles until she mentioned school, I don't know why I even bother showing up anymore. At school she won't even hold my hand.  
It's funny, considering how touchy Brittany and Santana are, instead Rachel pretends to be with Finn, just to keep him satisfied and it's not fair!  
It's not.  
He was mine before he became hers and she was mine before he even noticed her.  
Fuck boys, seriously, fuck 'em.  
they're nothing but trouble anyway. Can't live with them, can live without them. Except for that whole reproducing thing, is it necessary though? Look where it got me.

Pregnant, no baby daddy, abandoned by family, but loved by my fellow gleeks and therefore hated by the rest of the school.  
I honestly don't know what I'm supposed to do now. I'm having a baby, I'm one of those 16 and pregnant girls I used to make fun of.  
I've fallen and I can't get up... find me, see me, save me.


	7. Chapter 7

**Christmas Eve**

Oh holy night, the stars are brightly shining, but not really. My eyes were though when Rachel sang it.  
Holy crap she's good.  
Brittany always says that her voice is like a combination of Ke$ha and Jesus, so, basically, insanely altered and auto tuned to the limit. I disagree, though I do really enjoy to get my Ke$ha on every once in a while.

One time, Rachel heard this little snickering comment from Brittany and she was fairly upset; '_That is a lie S. Pierce, you take that back!_' at this we could do nothing but laugh.

So, Christmas Eve. It was very calm and quiet. Rachel showered me with gifts. Well, the baby actually. It was nice, we had a nice time and I'm so happy and thankful I found her.

* * *

**New Year's Eve****  
**

So here we stand, hours away from a new year and we find ourselves looking back at the past 365 days, trying to sort out the good from the bad. It's been a year, what have I done? What am I doing? Where am I going?

I have no answers. But I know that this will be a good year, It just has to be. Once you hit rock bottom, you can't get any lower and once you're as low as you can get, you can only go higher. I will personally see to it, that 2011 will be a good year, with tons of productive, inspirational and beautiful things and hopefully Rachel will be involved in all of them.

I don't know what else to say, other than; Thank you.

* * *

**January 1****st****  
**  
2011. Wow, it hasn't really sunken in yet. Whatever, I'm starting this year fresh. Fresh of everything. Although old habits rarely die, I shall most definitely try.I've had a good day. I like good days, I wish there'd be more of them. I will make time for them. I will make good days happen more often, because I will create them.

Ps: Little Miss Sunshine – still the feel good movie of the century.

* * *

**January ? (00:16)****  
**

I haven't talked to my mother since, last year. Which may be a really petty thing to say. It's not that I'm sad, or upset, I'm not even angry anymore. And I don't know if it's simply because I don't, or if it's something else. But in all honesty? I'm falling apart, barely breathing, with a broken heart, that hasn't stopped breathing.

I'm definitely looking for it again though, my belief in happy endings.

* * *

**January 26****th****  
**

Okay. This was the last day I stayed home doing fuck if anything. Seriously! Tomorrow, no matter how tired I am, or how disgusting I may look, I'm doing something. Because when you grow up, your heart died and I can feel mine dying a little, every day.

Ps: Judy Garland movies, with Rachel, late at night, makes me smile.

* * *

**January 28****th****  
**

Sometimes I just wish that I could close my eyes, say a silent prayer, open them and everything would be alright in the world. Maybe one day, people will start listening to one another.

* * *

**February 1****st****  
**

They had a midnight screening of "Little Shop of Horrors" tonight and Rachel knew how badly I wanted to go, she knows how I love my black comedy. So, she surprised me with dinner and a movie.

Isn't that the most adorable thing you've ever heard of? If that isn't love, then I don't know what love is. She took me, Quinn Fabray, to dinner and a movie, because I wanted to see a lousy 80's flick about a plant from out of space.  
It was cute, we had a really nice time.

Oh shit!  
That was our first date.  
**  
****  
****

* * *

  
****February 9****th****  
**

I had a long talk with Santana today, I wanted to set things straight. I love that girl to death, but sometimes, she just needs to chill, preferably in a big bucket of ice. I told her that I think she's special, to some people, and that I don't think she knows how to handle that.I had a good day, tomorrow will be another good day.  
Good night, and to all you strong, gorgeous people out there, who needs an extra PUSH? To you my dear friends, I say… Good fight, dance like you do when no one's around.

* * *

**February 14****th****  
**  
Valentine's Day. I used to think it was cheesy, even when I was dating. But now I see, how wonderful it actually can be.  
We went to the fair with Santana and Brittany.  
Britt was clinging on to Santana for dear life, afraid she'd leave her. If I had to guess, I'd say they were attached right from birth.  
I have a feeling that Rachel had to bribe Santana to get us some alone time, when we finally did, she gave me a card. Her words are as incredible as her voice.

_'Happy Valentine's. I am so proud of who you are and who you continue evolving into. You're sensitive and smart and creative and responsible and incredibly daring!__  
__This q__uality alone will be the key to adventure and fun and, who knows what! And of course, through all this risk taking you gain knowledge! This is the best human attribute and will enhance your life beyond belief! I know you struggle… but always remember that __what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. So hang in there, strong woman and enjoy the ride ahead. __  
_

_Love always, Rachel'_

Did you say it? "I love you, I don't ever want to live without you. You changed my life." Because I did, I said it.  
It's the choices we make, that define who we are.

* * *

**February 15****th****  
**  
Why can't I be normal? Why can't I be like everybody else? Do I want that? Should I want that? What do I want? I feel like Alice In wonderland. Everything is just, strange. I feel strange, because what is normal anyway? What is normal behavior? I had a weirdest dream. It was so hot, but I'm not quite sure what it's supposed to mean. Rachel and I were set to get married, it was all very strange. But incredibly hot nonetheless.

* * *

**February 19****th****  
**  
Lately I've had trouble sleeping, every damn night. Maybe it's because I keep myself up. Maybe it's because I know, that when I close my eyes, my problems won't go away, they won't magically disappear. I will wake up and the world will still be broken in the morning.  
Two girls.  
Two best friends, in love. Does love disappear too though? If it does, where does it go? When we stop loving one another, where does love go and can we get it back?  
We come in to this world alone and we leave it just the same. Nobody can ever save us from the eternal loneliness that we try so hard to hide, to desperately deny.  
I don't even know.

I feel like my heart is breaking, why am I so incredibly sad?

* * *

**February 22****nd****  
**  
I wish I was a writer, because if I was lucky enough to become one, I would write like there was no tomorrow. I would write for children dreaming of a better world, I would write for teens wishing for a better 'tomorrow'. I would write for 'me' hoping and praying for someone to find 'her'. I would write for parents, on the verge of giving up.  
I would write for the world, the heavens and the stars. I would write for best friends divided by an ocean. I would write for lover's lost at war. I would write for those who are silenced, the believes and the lonely, the torn down and the experts at the fall. I would write for the faithless, the ones who stand and the ones who try again.

But first and foremost, I would write for the ones who think they can.  
Because in the end, it's all about believing in yourself, right?

* * *

**February ?  
**

During the days

I'm fine, it's just the nights that suck. Don't they always though? Everything gets heavy and harder to hold, come sundown, it's forgive and forget, no?  
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

Goodnight.

* * *

**February 28th****  
**  
How can we have come so far, to still be where we're at? I don't fully understand how it works. Life. How does it work and will it ever get easy?  
I didn't sleep much, not that I remember anyway. Rachel told me to; just chill, cuddle with me and try not think about anything revolving the unavoidable.


End file.
